Let’s face it. I won’t be discovering a new form of physics any time soon, or a glistening constellation or rugged mountaintop. For most of human history, reaching new frontiers such as these has been a pretty surefire way to have your name etched into the ages.
Newtonian physics, Socratic questioning, Darwinism; these eponymous theories and tools mean that their namesakes are immortalised.
Me, on the other hand? Well, my name is hard enough to remember even if you’re a friend of mine; I’m Bernard Michael Rochford.
Who is Bernard Michael Rochford?
The name means many things – for starters, it describes me; a former osteopath, BBQ lover, husband and member of my community. It also represents my family, originating from both England and Ireland, and their struggles and successes.
However, to many, that’s all my name means. It doesn’t have broader appeal or household significance. Not only that, but given the length of my name, people have always sought to shorten it – Berrnie, Rochy, Mike…
Did Leonardo Da Vinci do that? Did Vincent Van Gogh? No! They earned their names! Admittedly, their names are a syllable shorter than mine, and they’ve contributed a little more than I have to the human project. Perhaps in that regard, they’re owed their names in full.
So, in an effort to even the odds with myself and the greats, I’ve devised my own stratagem to etch my name into the history books; the Bernard Michael Rochford method for remembering where you parked.
The Bernard Michael Rochford method for remembering where you parked
Don’t lie to me – on at least one occasion, you’ve found yourself wandering through the levels of a carpark, hoping to find your non-descript vehicle in a sea of other non-descript vehicles. Me personally, I’ve wound up in this situation more times than I care to admit.
So, to avoid spending any more time in shopping centre car parks or in random streets than is absolutely necessary, I devised a three-step strategy for remembering where I parked.
- Take a moment – I get it, we’re all in a rush and nobody likes to wait. But trust me, when you park your car, get a panoramic understanding of the area you’re in. Just be still for 10 seconds and try to absorb as much of the area as possible.
- Take a photo – sounds simple (it is), but take a photo of the colour code that your car is parked in. This is the easiest and biggest difference-maker when trying to get back to your car. If it’s not in a car park, take a picture of your surroundings and identifiable elements that will help you get back to your chariot.
- Find a landmark – This is where people most commonly go wrong. They’ll have a photo of ‘Yellow G’ or some other identifier, but then they’ll enter the carpark at a completely different spot than when they left it. So make a mental memo if you first walked past an IKEA, or if you parked halfway down, let’s call it, Jones Street, try to remember whether you’re on the side closest to the dog park, or the side of the houses. Don’t just rely on a single photo of your parking spot, as sometimes it’s not enough.
- Say it out loud – Red B, Red B, Red B…if your phone dies and you can’t access your photo, this will be a lifesaver – trust me.
- Fob it out – When you think you’re in the vicinity, subtly use your fob to see when your car unlocks – think of a bat using its sonar skills…you’re basically batman.
While it’s not groundbreaking, the Bernard Michael Rochford method will stop you getting into any awkward wandering, aimlessly looking for your car parked in the floor right above you. This is particularly important when you’re with someone you want to impress and don’t want to seem like you have short-term memory loss (even though we all basically do).
Although even in instances where you are aimlessly wandering, the key is to stay calm and act like you know what you’re doing. Keep the conversation flowing while you gracefully explore every possible avenue in the 100-story carpark your car is lost in.
Can the Bernard Michael Rochford name continue?
What do you think? Is this enough to earn me the ‘Bernard Michael Rochford method of remembering where you parked’? Can my name mean more than just a Brisbane osteo or a BBQ aficionado?
I guess the history books will tell my ancestors…or not.